June Newsletter
Hi Team,
Another Dungeon Day at Sunderland HQ on Sunday the 14th. Consett arrived like a rogue clan of decaffeinated disabled athletes who’d drank some water spiked with pre‑workout and Haribos and who’d all been promised violence and chocolate biscuits. Twenty‑two of us stormed in — not walking, not jogging, but swarming, like someone had dropped a packet of Skittles on the mats and we’d all dived for them at the same time.
We made up 22 of the 57 total Dungeon regulars, which means statistically we were the loudest, sweatiest, and the most likely to accidentally knee someone in the spleen, fortunately that didn’t happen.
The mats were so busy that at one point three separate rolls merged into a single mega‑scramble that looked like a wildlife documentary about confused mammals fighting over a watering hole.
Promotions were handed out across all clubs, and everyone clapped with the energy of people pretending they’re not terrified of being next in the belt‑whipping gauntlet.
Mark achieved his Black Belt, 2nd stripe, awarded by Aaron, who now has to pretend he didn’t immediately update his will.
Mark is now operating at a power level where he can probably hear guard passes happening in other postcodes.
Consett Promotions
Purple Belts: Alex, Bart, Crackers & Jon
Blue Belts: Garfoot, Luke & Tiny
All were lashed in a ceremony that can only be described as “medieval torture in sportswear.” The brutal sound echoed through the hall like someone slapping a ham joint with a skipping rope.
The Gi Catastrophe
Aaron immediately spotted the M&M trio, because how could he not? They looked like a packet of sweets that had been left in the sun too long.
Robin: Irish Red — like a fire extinguisher that had learned wrist locks
Jude: French camouflet — ideal for hiding in a field, of baguettes
Carl: Old English gesnot green — the colour of a dragon’s phlegm during allergy season
Despite this chromatic war crime, Aaron allowed them into the team photo, possibly because removing them would’ve required a hazmat team and a comprehensive risk assessment.
The Hernia That United a Community
Dave’s groin hernia made a dramatic appearance in the group chat, sparking fears of bowel strangulation, which is a refreshing change from the usual throat strangulation we inflict recreationally.
The chat briefly turned into a medical symposium, except with more emojis and fewer qualifications.
The Kel & Tiny Romance
Kel & Tiny continue sending each other group‑chat messages with the energy of two ginger bearded Victorian lovers exchanging forbidden letters through a crack in a castle wall.
At this point, the entire club is reading and wondering:
“Is this banter”
“Is this foreplay”
“Is this a mating ritual”
“Should Mark be charging them a couples membership”
Their next promotion might be joint custody.
On a seperate note there’s a gofund.me page set up, for the sponsored walk for Roman, to help with expenses.
As usual, no animals were hurt in the writing of this newsletter. Thank you all, for your continued and ongoing support
See you on the mats
OOOOOOOOSSSSSSS
social media links as follows:
https://www.facebook.com/thedungeonbjjconsett
https://www.instagram.com/thedungeonbjjconsett/